Down the road a piece – New math for the fiber-challenged

Back in March 2000, Katie Couric had a colonoscopy in livingcolor on network television. Ever since then it has been sociallyacceptable to talk about things like colons in places likethis.

So, with a tip of the hat and a “thank you” to Katie, I offer thefollowing.

My doctor said I needed more fiber in my diet to keep my colon fromdoing things that fiber-challenged colons do. I don’t like it whenmy doctor talks like that so I didn’t ask for the fiber-freedetails.

My doctor seems to be doing more of that kind of talk lately -telling me what to eat more of. I’m all for a good diet, but I’mnot about to alter my lifestyle and start doing anythingintentionally “healthy” just to make my colon behave. I have mypriorities.

To be specific, my doctor said I should eat more raw vegetables andwhole grains – all of which contain heaps of stringy stuff, orfiber. He said if I did that on a regular basis my colon would worklike a charm.

I’m not sure I want my colon humming along in its “charm” mode. Ijust want it to act right.

Over the years I never thought that much about my colon or what itwas doing. We had this agreement that I wouldn’t bother it and itwouldn’t bother me. but since my doctor took the time to mentionfiber and advise that I should be getting more of it, I thought I’dbe on the lookout for textile-like foods and chow down on fiberwhen I could.

A few days later, I was in the grocery store picking up a fewsimple items, including a loaf of bread, which I hoped wouldinclude a dab of fiber for my colon. As I went up and down thebread aisle looking at all the shapes, sizes, colors and prices ofthe many brands of bread, I came across a loaf that made me laughout loud – or lol, as some say in e-mails.

Printed boldly on the bread bag were the words: “12 Grain Bread.”Someone was having fun at my doctor’s expense and was satirizinghis serious, fibrous medical advice. twelve grains! It’s likesomeone baked a few bolts of cloth into bread. My colon would thinkI swallowed a three-piece wool suit.

It’s like the bakers couldn’t decide what kind of bread to make sothey threw in every grain on the planet.

I’ve since learned that in addition to 12-grains bread you can alsobuy seven-grains bread.

There was a time when I would have been satisfied with seven-grainsbread, but those times are now behind me. why buy seven-grains when- for the same price – you can get five grains more? who cares whatgrains we’re talking about? Just more!

Then I became curious about what grains they were talking about. Itried to name 12 grains. I soon realized that I couldn’t think of12 grains I’d like to see in a loaf of bread. I didn’t know therewere 12 grains in existence and now I can buy loaves of bread withall those grains – and all to benefit my colon and me.

Standing there in the aisle of the supermarket, I tried to rattleoff 12 grains.

There’s wheat, oats, corn, rye barley, rice. Six grains was thebest I could do and these bread people managed to scrape up sixmore?

In case you’re wondering, the grains that made up this 12-grainloaf were: wheat, oats, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, rye, barley,corn, millet, triticale, rice, flax and buckwheat.

How do 12 grains baked in a bread taste? I thought it was prettygood. and with all that stringy fiber, I’m guessing my colon istickled pink.

John McDonald is the author of “A Moose and a LobsterWalk into a Bar,” “Down the road a piece” and “The MaineDictionary.” Contact him .